Paranoid Andriod

I've been feeling this sense of fear for a while now. I can't quite explain it.

It's one of those intangible feeling I've got. I can't quite put my finger on it. It's as if I think something bad is about to happen. Exactly what the something bad is I can't quite feel it.

Maybe it's just the PhD project. I've always feel like I can do better. Even though no one ever tells me that I'm not good enough. Am I being too harsh to myself? Possibly. But then again, almost no one has ever tell me that that I'm not trying hard enough, and yet I never really feel like I'm doing enough work. Ever since I was a kid I would force myself to do my very best. At the same time I know that sometimes I'm just putting up a front to fool people into thinking I know what I'm doing. Than again: aren't we all doing that in a sense or another?

If you ask me whether I think I know my field, I really wouldn't know what to say. I can't say I'm an expert in it, in fact I refuse to say that I'm good at anything at all (partly because I don't believe I am good at anything.) Take signal processing. There's a lot I don't understand, and a lot that I wish I can understand better. But for some reason I still got an A for the paper. Does that show how flawed the granding system is? Or does it show that there's a lot about myself that I don't know?

Sometimes I really wonder if my brain is doing more than I am consciously aware of. Sometimes Pete will catch me in deep thought, and when he ask me what I'm thinking I wouldn't have a clue. I know I was thinking. This sort of background thinking goes on a lot. Maybe the neurons are just making random connections, or maybe there is a cunning plot going on against me at the back of my head.

I'm thinking too much again...